Have You Met Ralph?

It started out as a typical Friday night except for one thing…I was the first night of my drinking career. To say it was the first night isn’t truly correct. I had imbibed beers before and just the week before I was on my way to a my first over indulgence when I have the fortunate experience of going to McDonald’s for a Cheeseburger instead of staying at the road party that was busted 10 minutes after we left. That was a sobering moment. Anyway, this the story boy meets drunkenness.

Bill and I had two 15 packs of Stroh’s, one for each of us and since he was driving I had a head start. It wasn’t long before half mine was gone and we had only been out about an hour. We drove around and finally met up with some friends on Green Acre Road. It is one of those roads that is a few miles long with only one or two farmhouses sprinkled along the side of the road. It was a great place for us to hang out and I don’t remember ever being busted there.

So it is still early, maybe 8:30 pm…the sun had gone down and it was a nice evening in early October. I had a good buzz going and pushed it until the point of being stupid drunk. I can recall closing the back door of one of my friend’s car while his hand was there…you know how hard it is to open a car door when someone has their hand stuck in it? Anyway, I probably drank about 10 beers in the span of an hour and a half or so and it was catching up to me fast. Bill said it was time to go home but I rejected his plea. This was fun, my mind was muddled and I needed another beer. After some protesting, I finally gave in and jumped into the car to get a ride home. About 300 yards down the road I insisted on stopping so I could take a leak. My real intention was to run back to the party and have some more fun. He pulled the car over and I did my best to act coy…easy to do when you are drunk…and turned to start my jog back to the party. Within two steps, I was face first into the ground. I had my pants unzipped as part of my plan and I may have peed on my self…don’t remember for sure because I was laughing so hard.

Bill drove me home.

I walked in the door and my mom was watching something on the tube. She commented on how early it was as I sat down in the chair across the room from her. I was hammered out of my gourd. She asked if I was drinking and I admitted to having a couple of beers. As we talked, I propped my elbow onto the left armrest to try to steady my misbalanced body. I tried to follow the conversation but my mind and body was having an issue with maintaining focus. As I sat in the chair, leaning on the left armrest, I started to fall to the right. Nevertheless, my expert instincts held up as I deftly caught my self and smoothly switched to leaning on the right. I was in complete control…there is know way she knew I was hammered. A few minutes later, I excused my self and went to bed.

After taking more time then usual to take off my cloths, I slid into bed feeling the weight of to many drinks. I knew I was going to crash quick and I was ready for the slumber. But, a strange thing happened. When I laid my head down I was greeted with a feeling of unbalance. I wasn’t sure how to cope with a room that seemed to be falling, or tilting or maybe both at the same time. I rolled over on my side hoping that getting comfortable would help me get through this strange affliction that had attacked me…but I was wrong.

I’m not sure if my mom heard me heaving but I let loose with everything right there on my bed and on the floor. When I was finished I rolled over the other direction and fell asleep. At some point I was woken by my mother dragging me into the bathroom…maybe I walked/crawled…don’t remember. She threw a towel at me and I wiped off the puke off my face and curled up into a ball on the cold tile floor in my bathroom. I think I used the towel for a pillow.

When I woke up to day light, I went back into my room to see that everything had been cleaned up. I can’t imagine that it was fun cleaning up alcohol induced vomit off of a carpet but there was no way I could have done it that night. I grabbed a blanket and crawled as deep under it as is possible to try and drive the throbbing heartbeat out of my head. I can remember think that I was never going to drink again.

Sometime later I grabbed my mattress and took it outside to air out. It took me 45 minutes to get it from my room out into the late morning breeze. I had 20 minutes to get some food and head to the high school for my soccer game. It was time to move on.